I don't believe we should force children to show affection. This is why I don't make my children hug or kiss. They can do it in a beautiful and authentic way whenever they feel like it.
I used to encourage my six-year-old son to hug and kiss his friends and family members when he was a baby. However, I noticed that saying "Say hello and kiss your uncle" or "Say bye bye to your friend Tony and hug him" did not sound natural. He'd do it, but it wasn't sincere, and he'd get all shy on me or flatly refuse.
Children are naturally enthusiastic and able to express their emotions. But, in my opinion, they should communicate only when they 'want' to, and we should not force them to do so. What good does it do to force them to hug or kiss if they don't truly mean it? Forcing children to show affection to others in certain situations creates an even bigger problem.
According to Ursula Wagner of FamilyWorks in Chicago, forcing physical contact such as hugs “sends a message that there are certain situations when it is not up to them what they do with their bodies.”
As children grow, this message can have a variety of consequences: According to Irene Vanderzand, cofounder of Kidpower Teenpower Fullpower International, "forcing children to submit to unwanted affection in order not to offend a relative or hurt a friend's feelings teaches them that their bodies do not truly belong to them because they have to push aside their own feelings about what feels right to them... This can result in children being sexually abused, teen girls engaging in sexual behavior so that ‘he'll like me,' and children being bullied because everyone is ‘having fun.'”
I don't own my child's body, wrote Katia Hetter, a CNN Digital Writer/Producer. Katia Hetter taught her daughter an important lesson in the article with a simple phrase: "I would like you to hug Grandma, but I won't make you do it." Hetter saw it as an opportunity to teach her daughter "that it's OK to say no to an adult who lays a hand on her, even if it appears to be a friendly hand."
“I figure her body is actually hers, not mine,” she explained. It is not her parents', preschool teacher's, dance teacher's, or soccer coaches. While she must treat people with dignity, she is not required to show them physical affection in order to please them.
Hetter also emphasizes that allowing children to refuse hugs does not imply that they are being rude: “Whether she knows the person or not, she must be polite when greeting them. When we are greeted by family and friends, I give her the option of a hug or a high-five. She sometimes offers that option because she has been watching adults greet each other with a handshake.” Hetter explains to her family members "why we're letting her choose who she touches." And, as she's already noticed, there's one more advantage to letting her daughter lead the way when it comes to physical contact.
So I try to keep this in mind: Forcing Children to Show Affection Could Be Dangerous. And I always let my children be themselves. So, how about you?
To begin teaching children — both girls and boys — about the importance of respecting others and their personal boundaries at a young age, there is a highly recommended book No Means No!: Teaching Children about Personal Boundaries, Respect, and Consent” for ages 3 to 6, Your Body Belongs to You for ages 3 to 5, and My Body! for ages 3 to 5. What I Say Is Final! suitable for children aged 3 to 6.
Check out “A Time of Change: Talking with Tweens and Teens about Their Bodies” at A Mightly Girl for resources on body autonomy as well as general resources on their changing bodies.
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