I recently witnessed SEVERAL instances of inappropriate behavior in three different preteen children over the course of a single weekend. These were all different children of various genders and backgrounds, from various families and in various settings. The only thing they had in common was that they appeared to be between the ages of 10 and 12, and they were behaving horribly.
In the first instance, a girl was rude to me when I asked her parents and her a simple question. The parents were lovely, but their daughter yelled at me and called me a moron for asking them for information about something. (And, no, my question was not stupid.)
Aside from her shocking rudeness, the one thing I noticed was that her parents made no attempt to correct or even comment on her behavior.
During a trip to a museum, the second example of bad behavior involved a boy who continued to clown around despite the teacher's repeated requests to stop. She had a limited amount of time to teach an important lesson, and this child essentially caused things to run late and diverted the teacher's time and energy away from the rest of the class because she had to deal with his horrible behavior on multiple occasions.
The third instance involved a boy who appeared to be with a group of kids at a movie birthday party. The child began throwing popcorn everywhere, with no regard for those around him and continued to do so despite repeated requests from the host parents to stop. (They eventually had to take the popcorn away from him, but he persisted in being disruptive.)
After seeing these examples of horrible, no good, very bad behavior in children, I realized how critical it is to nip some of these bad behaviors in the bud while children are still young. If you allow a child to become accustomed to being rude, disrespectful, or defiant and then try to correct these behaviors when they reach adolescence, it will be much more difficult to turn the ship around.
Disrespect
There's a reason why this bad behavior is at the top of the list. When children are disrespectful to you or another adult on a regular basis, they are basically sending a loud and clear message that they do not believe they need to consider how others may feel or think.
If your child is rude to you or another adult or uses backtalk, take them aside as soon as possible after the incident and tell them privately that they will not be allowed to participate in fun activities or lose access to things they enjoy, such as video games or TV time, unless they learn how to treat others the way they want to be treated.
Also, always use good manners when interacting with your child so that they can learn by example. When they do something for you, thank them, say "please," and treat them with respect.
Defiance
Children who do not respect authority frequently do not listen. While your child may be truly distracted or dawdling when you have to repeat yourself several times, it is also possible that they are not listening because they believe there will be no consequences for not listening.
If they are deliberately ignoring you and doing something you have asked them not to do (or vice versa), discipline them immediately. Take them away from the action, whether it's a family dinner or a play date, and ask them to reset themselves while they consider why ignoring you is not an option.
Allow them to return and demonstrate how they can "do-over" those last few moments by being a better listener. If they refuse, you must punish them (such as not getting something they want to losing privileges like time with friends or TV or computer time).
Entitlement
While it is natural for parents to want to give their children what they want and need, giving children nearly everything they want and need is the polar opposite of what is good.
Allow kids to earn or save allowance money to buy some of the things they want to avoid spoiling them and distracting them from focusing on getting what they want. Teach them how to feel and express gratitude, and then join them in volunteering to help others.
Tantrums
While a toddler or preschooler's crankiness and meltdowns are understandable, seeing a full-fledged screaming and crying fit (and its equally bad behavior cousins pouting and whining) in a school-age child is less acceptable. A 5- or 6-year-old may have a meltdown now and then, but they should be well on their way to learning how to express their frustrations in a more controlled, calm, and respectful manner.
When your child has a tantrum, tell them to go into a room or a corner and sit down until they are calmer. Some children may require assistance with this, so you can help by remaining present and modeling calm.
Once they've reset their emotions and are able to listen, discuss why tantrums make it less likely that they'll get what they want. Discuss how they could have handled the situation better and encourage them to pause, take a deep breath, and consider those better options the next time they are frustrated.
Bullying
Parents frequently worry that their child will be bullied and discuss with their children what to do if this occurs. But what if your child is the one who is being bullied?
If you suspect or discover that your child has been mean and aggressive toward someone, or has engaged in gossiping, teasing, or insulting behavior, talk with them right away. Find out why they did these things and talk to them about how bullying is completely unacceptable and harmful to both the victim and the perpetrator.
Lying
Every child lies at some point, and very young children are frequently unable to distinguish between lying and imaginative play. However, as children grow older, they may purposefully tell lies for a variety of reasons (to avoid getting into trouble, for instance).
Cheating
Whether it's a board game or another type of fun competition, some younger children may cheat simply to win. However, older children who have developed a sense of right and wrong may purposefully cheat (say, on a test at school).
Handling these negative behaviors now will make you feel grateful later if/when you see other children doing the wrong thing and behaving badly. After all, who wants to hang out with a rude or obnoxious adolescent?
There are numerous reasons why children engage in undesirable behaviors that others often label as bad or spoiled. As a society and as parents, it is critical that we see children in a positive light: they want to make good decisions.
These decisions should not be forced, and they should not be given the message that pleasing others are the goal. Rather, concentrate on developing an internal desire to treat others with dignity simply because it is the right thing to do. Encourage your child to engage in behaviors that they are proud of, as this is the foundation of changed behavior.
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